Most of the time I feel really optimistic about life. I feel excited about my possibilities and being alone, and finding out more of who I am even if it's because of a divorce. But the hard days still come.
I find myself asking, Did I give up too easily? Am I a crazy person? Am I being selfish? and much more. What's scarier, is when I run into people and have conversations regarding relationships, I feel like it won't ever get better. I don't have faith that there's anyone out there that can love me. I feel lovable, but I don't know that I will enjoy the process of finding a partner in my life who will complement the person I become and also love my daughter as his own. It's terrifying. It's enough to completely shut down and think I should plan on being alone.
I think this kind of fear may go away with time. Right now, the anxiety is creeping in and I'm a bit overwhelmed by all that I feel I'm failing at, miserably. I'm losing me. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm avoiding life. I'm just... living in my own little world and having fun with Ali. But I have to wake up soon. I have to start living this life like the responsible adult I know I am. Right now, I feel like a kid trying to be an adult. I feel naked, insecure, confused, inadequate, and misguided. It's utterly terrifying.
Yeah... I guess this is what divorce feels like.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Making Ends Meet
I'm sure this is the first thing people think about with separation and divorce. Assets and bills. Child care, especially in the midst of jobs and college.
Thanks to avoidance, I haven't necessarily felt that fear just yet. When family has asked, "How will you make it, Britt?" the first thing I say is, "I have no idea. I'm just taking it day by day."
Thinking too far into the future causes more anxiety than I care to deal with right now. Thinking too far in the past causes much regret. So, I stay here... right here, right now, each breath and each step. I listen to music. I eat string cheese and watch Sleepless in Seattle. I text my friends. I call my grandparents. I hang out on Facebook. I exercise. I just do what I can, now. So far, it seems to be keeping me at bay. Ali and I have so much fun together. She's the coolest little human on the planet.
I'm trying to add volleyball to our list of sports at the Y, in addition to going to church on Sundays, small group with child care, and a divorced/singles small group at church during the week. I want to get this right. I want to make the most of this experience and learn as much as I can so I can be a good example for Ali.
The only ends I'm meeting are the ends of one breath to the beginning of the next. And you know what? That's ok. I'm only one tiny little human on this huge planet of 7 billion people. I think this struggle will pass, for sure.
:)
Thanks to avoidance, I haven't necessarily felt that fear just yet. When family has asked, "How will you make it, Britt?" the first thing I say is, "I have no idea. I'm just taking it day by day."
Thinking too far into the future causes more anxiety than I care to deal with right now. Thinking too far in the past causes much regret. So, I stay here... right here, right now, each breath and each step. I listen to music. I eat string cheese and watch Sleepless in Seattle. I text my friends. I call my grandparents. I hang out on Facebook. I exercise. I just do what I can, now. So far, it seems to be keeping me at bay. Ali and I have so much fun together. She's the coolest little human on the planet.
I'm trying to add volleyball to our list of sports at the Y, in addition to going to church on Sundays, small group with child care, and a divorced/singles small group at church during the week. I want to get this right. I want to make the most of this experience and learn as much as I can so I can be a good example for Ali.
The only ends I'm meeting are the ends of one breath to the beginning of the next. And you know what? That's ok. I'm only one tiny little human on this huge planet of 7 billion people. I think this struggle will pass, for sure.
:)
Monday, February 16, 2015
Avoidance
I've learned about this thing called avoidance.
I've learned that it's completely natural to want to avoid all the bad things in life. I mean, just thinking about cleaning my room or doing homework should strike a chord with a lot of people.
There aren't enough Brené Brown quotes to motivate me to get on board with my fears right now. Everything I do is an attempt to avoid my problems. I've skipped 70% of my classes since school began. I've been spending extra time in the gym, working out, working, trying to play with Ali, trying to clean, getting lost in Target... and so much more. Every time I get to work, the first thing I think about is my to-do list and all I can accomplish when I get home. The first thing I think about when I get home is how many people I can text, call, and message so I can have people to talk to so I don't feel so alone.
I need to sit down and budget. I need to face the hard truths. I need to cry. I need to feel something. I can only keep this up so long before it's really going to hit me. And I really don't feel like having it hit me.
I just want to be okay with myself. I want to be okay with living alone. I want to be independent. I want to be a great mom. I want to place more value on my friends and less on the search for a partner in life. I want to just be free, and teach Ali how to love. I want to breathe. I want to not give a shit.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Two Months and a Lifetime.
Today, I can't reveal everything. Not that people really want to know all about my personal life anyway. But I'm big on sharing what happens and how I learn and grow from each event in my life. I love sharing that part of my story, because that's the part that connects me to everyone else.
It's been two months (almost) since I've written. So much has happened. Daring Greatly is an understatement in my book. Over a month ago, my husband and I had some major trials. Bigger because of our past and the history we've already come through. He's still my best friend, but he's no longer my partner in life. And I mean he's still my best friend because I love him like my best friend, but it also doesn't mean that getting along and stepping off the emotional roller coaster of separation is actually happening.
I married my best friend. I felt safe, smart, and like I wouldn't repeat my family's history of codependent relationships and failed marriages. But little did I realize until it had already happened, that I was still dancing that same dance. I tried so hard to be different, only to do the same thing... to make the same choice. Choose someone I could fix. And this isn't a slight to him. It's a slight to me. I'm broken. I'm not healed. On some level, I picked my dad with a different face because I haven't resolved my issues with him and the abandonment I grew up with all my life. To this day, my dad will still tell me he's visiting (uh em, last week, even) and then when it comes time for him to come down, he shuts off his phone and goes MIA for a couple of weeks. I try to track him down to see if he's ok, only to find out he was in jail and didn't pay some typical fine that he's always having to pay... speeding, DUI, driving without a license... whatever.
He's not like my dad on the surface. He's kind, caring, considerate, and on the outside, completely different. The only common denominator is the fact that they are both emotionally unavailable.
I have been doing amazingly well in therapy. I love the connections I make at my job- it's seriously my favorite place to work, ever. I love the fitness and routine that's become my life. I love the Sundays I have with my daughter and me. But I don't know how long I'll have this house. I don't know when things will go downhill. I don't know how well I can keep up my grades. I don't know if my desire to be desired will go away anytime soon, either. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and literally learn from everything that's happening, right here, right now.
I finally started back at church. The sermon this week was called "The Search for Happy." It talked about expressions of gratitude being much more powerful than just feeling gratitude. Even though I feel like I express it often, and I look for the silver lining all the time, I just want to evaluate and state what I'm truly thankful for.
1. My amazingly beautiful and vivacious daughter.
2. My health.
3. The cozy place I currently call home, equipped with hot water and a working AC unit.
4. The delicious tomatoes I eat, literally every day.
5. The ability to study for a class that right now, feels like a burden. But I'm in school, still moving forward.
6. My incredibly supportive family, neighbors, and friends.
7. My dogs. Lord their kisses are the best sometimes.
It's been two months (almost) since I've written. So much has happened. Daring Greatly is an understatement in my book. Over a month ago, my husband and I had some major trials. Bigger because of our past and the history we've already come through. He's still my best friend, but he's no longer my partner in life. And I mean he's still my best friend because I love him like my best friend, but it also doesn't mean that getting along and stepping off the emotional roller coaster of separation is actually happening.
I married my best friend. I felt safe, smart, and like I wouldn't repeat my family's history of codependent relationships and failed marriages. But little did I realize until it had already happened, that I was still dancing that same dance. I tried so hard to be different, only to do the same thing... to make the same choice. Choose someone I could fix. And this isn't a slight to him. It's a slight to me. I'm broken. I'm not healed. On some level, I picked my dad with a different face because I haven't resolved my issues with him and the abandonment I grew up with all my life. To this day, my dad will still tell me he's visiting (uh em, last week, even) and then when it comes time for him to come down, he shuts off his phone and goes MIA for a couple of weeks. I try to track him down to see if he's ok, only to find out he was in jail and didn't pay some typical fine that he's always having to pay... speeding, DUI, driving without a license... whatever.
He's not like my dad on the surface. He's kind, caring, considerate, and on the outside, completely different. The only common denominator is the fact that they are both emotionally unavailable.
I have been doing amazingly well in therapy. I love the connections I make at my job- it's seriously my favorite place to work, ever. I love the fitness and routine that's become my life. I love the Sundays I have with my daughter and me. But I don't know how long I'll have this house. I don't know when things will go downhill. I don't know how well I can keep up my grades. I don't know if my desire to be desired will go away anytime soon, either. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and literally learn from everything that's happening, right here, right now.
I finally started back at church. The sermon this week was called "The Search for Happy." It talked about expressions of gratitude being much more powerful than just feeling gratitude. Even though I feel like I express it often, and I look for the silver lining all the time, I just want to evaluate and state what I'm truly thankful for.
1. My amazingly beautiful and vivacious daughter.
2. My health.
3. The cozy place I currently call home, equipped with hot water and a working AC unit.
4. The delicious tomatoes I eat, literally every day.
5. The ability to study for a class that right now, feels like a burden. But I'm in school, still moving forward.
6. My incredibly supportive family, neighbors, and friends.
7. My dogs. Lord their kisses are the best sometimes.