I have not bothered looking at bank accounts. I haven't bothered reading my school books. I haven't cleaned. I haven't even bothered taking out the trash past my back porch- yes, you read that correctly- it's on my back porch, not quite in my trashcan by trash day. What the fuck?!I have a good friend who says I'll look back and this will be a great memory. I'll probably look at it as having been one of the best years of my life because it's a year of change.
On a good day, I totally believe it. On the bad days, I just don't know how to even cope. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to accept it, either. I don't know how I'm going to keep the house, how I'm going to keep my job or be consistent in school. I've hit another "hardship" once again, and even medicine and therapy can't help me get all the way on my feet. People see someone "thriving" in separation and divorce, but they simply don't see the high degree of avoidance I'm attending to just to keep a smile on my face. They don't see that inside, I'm a ball of nerves, wondering when I'm going to lose it all, and how I can even try to pick up the pieces at this point. I'd rather lose it all. Then I'd have nothing to worry about losing anymore. I'd rather just have nothing with which to keep up. I'd rather just hit rock bottom instead of live in fear of reaching it.
