Yeah, it's been a while but I have this thing on my brain that I just wanted to share. It's raw and I am not looking to offend or name-call or do anything but provide the perspective of my pro-life, but very pro-choice, story.
When I found out about my pregnancy with Abigail, it was horrifying. I was living in my house that was my first home with my then-husband, but he wasn't there anymore. I now had a roommate and a toddler, in addition to two dogs and a part time job. I had next to no money coming in. It was the day after Mother's Day, and I couldn't have imagined a scarier time to be pregnant, seeing as how the man I had been dating for 4 months had only just met my current daughter the day before. Not only that, we weren't even officially dating. Yep, just having plain old casual sex, which I was never used to doing. I was embracing my womanhood, my newfound love for exploring my body, and my crazy crush on this guy who seemed to be a perfect fit for said exploration (sorry [not sorry- you guys felt the same at some point] to parents and family who may read this).
When I found out about my pregnancy, it was the furthest thing from my mind. We used condoms. We weren't a serious couple. I was getting a divorce- yep, not even divorced on paper yet. I thought my late period was due to stress from divorce, managing the household by myself, not really sleeping or focusing on anything but surviving the shittiest year- those kinds of things. I had no idea that I was incubating a new human.
Fast forward to the 30 minutes after my test when I sped to his house to explain that I was pregnant. I was dumbfounded when he asked for the next best time to "talk about options."
"Now! I need to talk now." But he asked to revisit it later. Just so he could process the news. I instantly was hurt and a bit resentful, honestly. How could I bring a child into this? I'm not even divorced. I have nothing. I spend nights when I'm free, hooking up with this guy that I have this non-established relationship with, and now we have essentially treated pregnancy like 'bad news.'"
I spent the next two weeks calling facilities that would perform abortions, learning about the pill I could take to end the pregnancy since it was so early on, and then having freak outs about what everyone would think if I actually had the guts to keep the pregnancy when so many people still didn't even know about my divorce.
I endured several comments about my lack of morality, or my poor choice to do something that could sabotage my divorce hearing and make me look "unfit" as a mother. I spent months thinking that I would lose my daughter because I couldn't afford to live in our home anymore- especially without child support. Who was I to bring another kid into this world? And this guy? Was he even going to be there for me? It's not like he went to prenatal appointments with me. And we still weren't even exclusive after the fact. It was just a huge, jumbled mess. So much more than I had the courage to explain.
To fast forward through those details is a shame, so I'll save it for a future post. But the point I wanted to make about my particular experience, was that I had a choice. I got to choose the outcome of my story, and that makes a huge difference in my happiness and fulfillment with my personal decision. When I talked to my therapist, she posed questions that made me realize I'd potentially be putting off my education, my job wouldn't afford me the ability to really provide for them, and my divorce wasn't final. It was gut wrenching to think about, but necessary. I knew it'd be foolish to go into this decision without understanding the gravity of the fact that this baby could come out looking like her father and if things went really south between him and myself, that baby may be a reminder of that, and a source of resentment or regret. These are crazy, horrible things to consider, but having considered them and making my choice, I began to understand myself and what my heart desired. My belief in God had quite a bit to do with my decision, but honestly, one question I asked myself was the defining moment for me: "What will this do to my spirit? The essence of who I am and who I aspire to be..."
I chose to have my baby and didn't look back. I'm so so grateful I did, because things got much uglier before I saw a light at the end of this pregnancy tunnel.
But let me bring it back to the fact that I had a choice. I believe every woman deserves a choice. Yes, if abortion weren't a legal option for women, they could choose to place their babies for adoption- but I have to ask- what percentage of women, when faced with the option of keeping the child they've carried for 9 months or placing it in another family, would actually choose adoption? Is that number a majority? I just wonder what my story would be like if I didn't get the choice, and defaulted to keeping Abigail because I didn't want to give up my baby to strangers, but I didn't have the option to abort, so now I wanted to keep the child because I was emotionally attached as a result of a full term pregnancy, but not necessarily any more prepared for a child than on day one.
Maybe this is too messy, too one-sided, or too scattered to make my point. I just feel it's a better statement to Abigail of her significance in my life and others' lives, that I had more options and therefore the choice I made holds much more value to myself, and her.
