I have had to be away from blogging for a bit, not only because of divorce, but because I really don't feel a freedom to discuss everything I feel right now. Or at least, I have to be smart about the way I discuss my struggles.
All I can say, is being an adult sucks. My biggest struggle is keeping a schedule. I have become a serious procrastinator. All I want to do is connect with people... so if I have the opportunity to blow bubbles with Ali, push her around on her tricycle, or eat pancakes, I will do that above all other things. If I have the opportunity to be with a friend and have a beer, I'll do that, too. If I have the opportunity to text, call, or email friends, I will prioritize that over laundry. If I have the opportunity to connect with members at my job, I will do that before I finish necessary paperwork, or clean equipment. I just can't focus on the mundane parts of life... the adult parts. I just have to connect with people to stay strong and to feel like life is going to be ok. Like I'm going to be ok. Like there's more to life than a successful, long-lasting marriage, a clean house, a perfect credit score, and a well-kept schedule.
I have discovered that we are not racing one another. My journey has taken much longer than some of my friends with regard to school, relationships, and stability. But it's taken a lot less time than others. (I've recently had some great advice and corrections, mentioning that they are simply different paths- no relation to the speed with which we reach destinations). And in the grand scheme of things, none of us are going to out run death. All of us ultimately just want to be fucking loved, in love, and to love others while we are here on Earth. That's all that really matters. Anyone else who believes differently is some sort of broken, and they'll come around to see what's important, eventually.
I've never felt more in tune with life, its ups and downs, twists and turns. When I hear music, read poetry, see artwork, get someone to open up to me, kiss someone, hug someone, stare at the sky, cry at night, allow myself to fall for someone... I feel it all and I'm just happy that I'm present. I don't care about the pain. I don't care about the fear. I don't care about the sadness. Because with all of those experiences, comes the love, the joy, the excitement, the passion, and the pure happiness of being in my life.
