What's your Myers Briggs Personality Type?

ENFJ

I learned something new about myself today. I'm not an introvert!

I have spent so much time with my kiddos, and often enjoy when plans get cancelled, that I really thought I derived my energy from being alone. I've been wanting to be alone every day for the last... ever. At least, since I've had children. As a result, any time I get that can be considered quiet time- whether during a rare simultaneous nap or a really slow day at work- I tend to isolate myself and think (too much). But I have been noticing lately that I'm much worse off by myself in those times, than if I were to reach out and connect with a family member or friend on the phone, or (even better) in person. I convince myself that I just need some me time, but now I'm thinking "me time" can be more invigorating if I include other people in those plans.

Haha, just when I think I know myself so well. Sometimes a quick and unofficial Meyers Briggs Personality Test can change your perspective and realize why you've been so... blah lately. At least I can say this for myself.

With this info, I'm actually going to set a goal to connect with someone every day... like, in real conversation. Not text. Not Facebook. Not emailing. Not voice messages. Because the way I've been feeling lately has been pretty damn painful, and I thought it was just a Prozac poop out. 

GOALS

In a previous post, I mentioned I'm writing a book about my experiences. I have a vision for it and every time I think about what it can do on a small scale, my mind jumps to how I could get it out to people on a larger scale- in resource centers, online, maybe even a local bookstore or two. I think about the message I want to send, the way I want to convey it, the amount I'm going to share in order to do all of that, and then I just... freak. I'm stoked to turn my pain into something with a purpose or meaning. Actually, it already has a purpose- I just want to expand it. But, I'm no writer. The fact that I'm not even formally educated in writing makes me feel unworthy of the goals I've set.

Thank God, I have the ability to pause and catch myself when I get those thoughts.

When I get these thoughts, I just sit back and remember that I'm doing it honestly. I'm going to be sharing stuff that could have kept me locked in feelings of shame, resentment, fear, and guilt. I'm going to show the ugly stuff- the kind of stuff that people really need to hear when I talk about divorce "being hard" or "losing everything" or "hopelessness." I'm sharing something that matters, and it's got the potential to make a difference in other people's lives. You know the success stories you're used to (cue Drake lyrics) "Started from the bottom, now we're here." What the hell does that mean? Did you just have a moment of extreme clarity and realize your purpose? Did you reach enlightenment while eating your ramen, walk outside and embrace those beaming rays, and find the yellow sun powering you up like Superman to finally just make shit happen?

...No. The answer to how they move out of those times is in the day-to-day, average, painful, fearful, tearful, and treacherous days that never seem to end. Because coming out of it looks a lot like being stuck in it.

When I plan out what I want to write, considering how I'll include so many scenes and emotions and somehow make it do what I want it to accomplish, I lose sight of the big picture and start to focus on things that make me feel so inadequate. I'm reminded that I'm no writer, and that this could be a dud. It may not resonate with people like I'd hoped, or help anyone. It may be such a flop, that later in life, I don't even mention that I ever wrote something. Maybe one day I'll wish it all away.

But then I think about the things I could do with it. Could it help someone feel okay with themselves and their mistakes? Could it help them feel like someone was speaking right to them, and telling them their own story? Could I maybe have a real platform that serves as inspiration for someone else? Will it hurt me more to let this goal die?

I've heard the only way to eat an elephant is by taking one bite at a time. Knowing that I want to do this, these days, I'm just resolving to write anything. I can write on here, in a journal, email a friend, or write a shitty rough draft in Word... just so I'm writing. That's one bite, right?

That's all I got. This goal is the kind that requires me to reach other benchmarks (in learning) in order to work toward the bigger picture. And all I have so far is that I'm going to write every day.

Why am I Doing This?

Back to the actual purpose of this blog- I wanted to clarify it in detail.

I have found that sharing my story- the whole shebang- has allowed me to move forward with better choices than I could have made in my occasional, very scattered and uncertain state in the muck of it all. My job was one of the inspirations to just open up, and as I read more on the topic of vulnerability and connection, wholehearted living, and accepting who I am- loving myself in spite of it all- I really thought there was a lot to this opening up thing.

The whole point of what I do for my job, is to help people create better habits to increase their success with reaching the goals they set for themselves. The other part of it is to connect with them and give them a reason to come back. I chose to break that reason to come back down a little further. I knew that the accountability was attractive to new members- Big Brother was watching them and noticing if they weren't working out or hitting goals. They often feel like it has been a missing link to their past attempts at getting in shape, getting well, coming off medications, that kind of thing. But having been through therapy and realizing that there was so much more than accountability that contributed to someone's success or failure in anything, I had to go there. But the only way I allow myself to do that, is to develop a rapport, usually by sharing my own personal goals, struggles, weaknesses, and a few of my revelations about myself through therapy. I ask a ton of questions and I find a way to completely relate to that other person. For example, a parent came in with her daughter, an 8th grader, who had a pretty strong degree of scoliosis. Her daughter was thinking of trying out for sports, but wasn't most athletically inclined, and had been homeschooled, so she didn't have the same coaching in school sports that other kids had already experienced for years. She clearly liked school and was dabbling in sports, but she didn't run fast, had a heavy foot, and wasn't super coordinated (said her mom). I told her that I, too, have a 36 degree curvature in my spine and had limitations in running and coordination. I had back pain as early as 16 years old, but I fell in love with running and found that I generally settled in to my skills later in high school. I admitted that I never really found my groove in team sports, but I was really happy competing with myself. She smiled pepped up at that point. Her mom meant well, but I would have done anything to boost her after those comments.  Some part of me now, or in the past, will connect with them- it never fails. I live for that- and it's on such a small scale.

So why is it that sharing what sometimes feels like personal "drama" is so effective at actually helping others? I have asked myself the same question. How could it be delivered in a way that didn't suck the energy out of the person, but instead, inspire them because they could feel connected? Probably more of a feel it out/best judgement situation.

But my point is that I feel like the act of sharing my struggles in a way that helped others was a huge boost for me. It got things off my chest, opened up doors to finding a good lawyer, community support, and understanding from my coworkers (when random events would lead to me taking off early from shifts), etc. Nothing but good was coming from it. So I want to write about it, too. Here, I don't have a set number of people I'll be scheduled to talk to. Here, I can talk to anyone, anytime. That's a cool feeling. Honestly, if it doesn't suit the reader to hear me out, then they can choose to read another blog, and move past this one. I know my stuff is kind of "raw" or vulnerable, and I know that some people may feel it's completely terrifying to expose this personal information, but to me, it feels good. The more times I have exercised this type of courage, the easier it is to be transparent and have nothing to hide.

Letters to Abigail

I decided before I even gave birth to Abigail that I'd write a book. I want to call it Letters to Abigail, because my plan is for it to be a memoir of my divorce, unplanned (crisis) pregnancy, and the domino effect of the decisions I made in the most significant year of my life, which all surround my choice to keep her. I want her to know that while I refer to the pregnancy as "crisis" or "unplanned" that she's an absolute game changer for so many lives, and that she is most definitely meant to be on this earth. Not only that, but that she improved my life by helping me grow into a person I didn't know I had the strength to be, and she's a part of why I will help other women find peace in their struggles- when absolutely everything seems to be crumbling around them.

I took a hiatus from the blog and very subtly alluded to an unplanned pregnancy, or maybe just an additional struggle during my divorce. I did it because I was simply in the middle of a legal divorce, scraping to get by, and counting pennies to pay for my lawyer to actually get it completed- no joke, on the day we went to court, I had borrowed from a total of about 4 people the money to pay the retainers, and I completely depleted my savings account. If we didn't come to an agreement that day, I had no idea how I'd keep going. I was nearly 6 or 7 months pregnant by the time I actually received my final divorce decree- there was so much explaining I wanted to do, and I knew this platform wasn't appropriate at that time.

Just over 7 years ago, I used to volunteer at a pregnancy resource center in San Clemente, California. I did it to heal from a miscarriage I had at the very beginning of my marriage to Husband- in early September 2008. I was so broken and on the other side of the country from friends and family, that I tried my best to cope with my grief by channeling it into these young girls who were freaked about their crisis pregnancies.

Yes, it's a Christian organization, and obviously, we advocated for the mother and the unborn baby. But the awesome part about learning to volunteer in Southern California, was the fact that we were taught to educate. We were not taught to do anything but listen to them and tell them their options, and what each outcome may or may not look like. If they chose abortion, we prayed for them and offered our counseling services and resources for them to heal emotionally, should they need them. If they chose adoption, we helped them get in touch with agencies and learn the process, in addition to helping them learn about their physical condition as they moved through pregnancy. And if they chose to keep the pregnancy, we helped them learn about their bodies and maybe even a few beginner parenting classes (like swaddling a baby, new parent schedules, postpartum conditions, or simply lending them the book The Happiest Baby on the Block) and we provided them with essentials like car seats, clothes, diapers, good ol' butt paste- all the like.

I remember most girls who came in were younger. Some were frustrated and annoyed with their parents, just because parents were so concerned that their daughters know what they were getting into, and wanted to be heavily involved. Others were very adamant that they have the baby, when the parents were really wanting them to opt for adoption or abortion. And then there was one girl in particular, who chose adoption because she knew the baby's father wouldn't be involved. I saw her eyes light up when she chose a private adoption and told me about the family and how excited she was to be placing her child with them. Her mother was so torn up, ready to raise that grand baby in spite of her daughter's wishes, but this 17 year old girl blew my mind with her generosity and wisdom. I had a newfound love and respect for what I was able to do- to be a part of an organization that made it possible for girls to be supported in their decisions in such a crazy and scary time- regardless of what they chose.

But as happy as I was to be on the volunteering side- I just never pictured my newlywed self with a crisis pregnancy. I mean, I was already married. The worst that could happen was that I miscarry, which I had already experienced, so I'd always be behind the desk at a resource center... right?

Ha. One thing I learned last year was that unplanned pregnancies do not discriminate. High school girls, college athletes on a scholarship, doctors, lawyers, and... me... somewhere in between having a lot to learn and having a lot to lose.

After Husband and I separated, I was adamant that I show myself that my romantic life was no where near over. I wanted to "fake it 'til I made it" and smile while I sipped on some hipster local craft beer, with fresh makeup and a cute outfit on, at almost any local bar. I didn't really want to search for a life partner, or even a sexual partner. I just wanted to hear someone call me pretty. I wanted to know that as a single mom, I still had something about me that other men found attractive, and that when I was ready to date that it'd all be just fine. Better than fine. Maybe it could even be exciting?! Who knew?! I just needed to know it'd all be ok, and this was one of the ways I tried to force it to be okay. It was all I knew to do for a quick (albeit, fleeting) affirmation those days.

I also saw it as an opportunity to get off work, disconnect, and not think about my issues. I could either run into girlfriends (which I often did) or I could have a couple drinks and just quell my anxiety about the fact that my life was turned on its head. Sometimes I needed to get out and feel attractive and know that there were other fish in the sea. I was terrified I would cave into Husband's statements about me not being loyal and that I had given up on my family. I feared that I'd never be brave enough to stand my ground and continue to ask for what I wanted, knowing time and again, he refused. I had set my boundaries, and now I had to stay motivated to stick to them. Going out and looking forward to friends, a buzz, and attention was how I met that need.

And that's really the beginning of 2015, the best worst year of my life. The year I'd never take for granted. The year of the most painful and costly education I'd receive to date. The year that began with the death of my marriage and ended with the birth of sweet Abigail.

My Relationship with Relationship Marketing

One phrase comes to mind when I think of the words, relationship marketing: "It's not you, it's me."

That's because I know it works- if you work it. And I've yet to work it in anything that would be considered my own small business. The reason I know these businesses work and aren't a scheme is because my mother has succeeded in at least two of those multi-level marketing companies, and is currently in the top 50 of her current company. She's traveling non-stop, in her free Lexus, getting paid FIVE times a month, and this is all in addition to her other business teaching nursing students skills to pass their NCLEX and become registered nurses. Needless to say, she's making bank, and I'm sitting back for the fourth or fifth year in a row, just watching. 

More recently, I watched Tony Robbins in an interview with Eric Worre, who wrote Go Pro, and he specifically discussed relationship marketing and how it can be largely successful in spite of its mixed reputation. You can watch that here, if so inclined. 

The big takeaways from that interview are as follows: 

1. Getting into a business that is built on relationship marketing has advantages because logistics and training are often built in at a very low startup cost. Someone who is considering this may find it  to be quite a perk that they don't have to fund a back office program to follow sales, make transactions, receive payout, and have extensive training meetings to build their confidence in things like marketing/management/sales. 

2. There's practically NO overhead. Most people will run their back offices from their own computers, in the comfort of a home they already pay for (or the occasional coffee shop with free wi-fi), from a phone they already own. The start up costs and small inventory may very well be the only investments and/or fees, which can make profits rather quickly- given the person's efforts.

3. It's fun! Most people really enjoy the team structures in these companies, the rewards and incentives for making sales, and the ability to be in direct leadership. 

So what does Tony say to beware of? Simply put, don't do it if you're looking to dabble. People who start off by saying, "I'll give it a shot," are inevitably going to fail. If you've considered it before, maybe this speaks to you! (I say this with confidence because it absolutely relates to me). Success is often attributed to consistency, not talent. And to be consistent with something is actually a much bigger challenge! Day in and day out, having practices that help you reach your goals with small actions, are what help you move forward (at least that's what I read and choose to believe!). If you have had experience with this, let me know! I'd love the input. 

My journey began at 21, with my jumpstart on a Mary Kay bandwagon. I choose to say that because I really just liked the girls in the group I had come across, and not really much else. I paid my $99, got my samples and my super cool tote bag, and I never did anything with it. I used up a lot of my samples myself, then I couldn't justify stocking up on product. The more I did the math, the more hustle I realized I would need in order to make my money back. I just didn't have it in me. 

My next choice was with Jamberry. During my divorce, I truly enjoyed those nail wraps as the cheapest and coolest option for a girls' night with my toddler! I had very little money, and the start up fee was, again, $99. But it got me all the supplies that I absolutely would have wanted for the applications, and it was well worth it. I will use the excuse of my divorce to explain why I didn't take off with it, but I know plenty of people who may have used a situation like that to light a fire underneath them. I, however, didn't possess the kindling to do so in the first place. 

I'd love your stories of experience with relationship marketing! Was it fun? Rewarding? A dud? I think most people love the idea of being in business for themselves. It's simply too tempting to dive into a company that requires little to no money to start that dream of self-employment. I think more and more people have a little experience in this arena than we can imagine, and I'd love to hear more from everyone.

When I started this blog, I had a different plan.

My name is Brittany, and I'm starting over in a few different ways.

I started this blog to get through a transition in life. There are always changes going on, but the main one I'm referencing is leaving my job and going back to school. I was spending a ridiculous amount of time at work and not nearly enough time with my family and friends. The catch, was that my husband and I were living frugally enough that we could survive off my income alone, eliminating our need for childcare. It was a really nice set up at first, but I started to recognize what little postpartum happiness I was feeling, had been drained. I was a mess, going from work to home to work, not ever feeling good enough- as a mother, wife, boss, and employee. I wasn't focused on my health, drinking tons of energy drinks and relying on comfort food to get me through my day. I didn't clean or maintain any organization in my life, and I knew there was a bond with my daughter that needed to be strengthened.

Rewind to my first trimester: I had convinced Husband to quit his dead-end job at a major retail store because he had been unhappy for three years. He's not someone who just quits his job over something small, but spending 80% of his waking time in that place was enough to make us both go crazy. I felt his pain, not to mention, the negative haze that lived with us in our home all the time. I had loved my job and all that came with it. I was happy and working as full-time as I could, which was paying the bills. It was a very modest living, but a happy living. Once I recognized this, feeling comfortable, I asked Husband to please leave his job. With more consideration, he did, and all of ten days later, I found out we were expecting our first child.

Of course, there was a mild panic associated with our discovery, since we had just had a conversation about waiting three years to have a baby. We were really excited, but it couldn't have been more awkward timing. Just when we had the courage to start over.

Within a couple of weeks, we had a solution: Husband was going to take a contract overseas. It was kind of exciting, actually. We didn't receive a ton of support from family as to the timing of it all and the reasoning behind it, but they came around in the thick of it. We were excited that it'd be a great start to growing our family, because it'd make us more financially stable, given our recent choices.

The pregnancy went really well! I lived alone for about 27 weeks, and then Husband came home for the birth + a couple weeks into Ali's first month. When he headed back, although it was tough, we had a purpose. We stuck with it, and just before Ali turned 7 months old, we were able to bring our little family back together for good.

In those final 6 months of his deployment, I challenged myself to take a position in management with a restaurant. I saw it as a move toward personal growth and development. As corny as it sounds, I knew management would be tough. I knew I'd learn my strengths and weaknesses, and that it'd be a huge challenge for a single parent (at that time). I also saw it as securing a future for my family, since my husband's return could potentially put us back at square one.

Long story short, it was a very big challenge. I spent too much time away from my daughter, gave up every first holiday- or at least half the day on each holiday. I watched my husband get to bond with her, and in turn, felt really insecure about my inconsistencies in motherhood. I was scattered. I didn't keep a great schedule. I forgot to pay bills. I was always frustrated, jealous, insecure. As things continued to become more challenging at work, I asked what was I truly doing with my life? At some point, I had a passion for this place, but that's all changed. I realized I had been married to my job. I was treating the situation as a "for better or worse" and choosing to stay committed no matter what. One day, I just realized I was no longer getting out of work what I was putting in. Most importantly, I realized I was free to choose something different for our lives- that this wasn't where I had to stay.

... and that's really where I feel my next chapter started. I am looking to minimize and refocus on the important things. My marriage, our mental, physical and emotional health, and going back to school for something about which I can be passionate. This blog is just dedicated to making a better life.