GOALS

In a previous post, I mentioned I'm writing a book about my experiences. I have a vision for it and every time I think about what it can do on a small scale, my mind jumps to how I could get it out to people on a larger scale- in resource centers, online, maybe even a local bookstore or two. I think about the message I want to send, the way I want to convey it, the amount I'm going to share in order to do all of that, and then I just... freak. I'm stoked to turn my pain into something with a purpose or meaning. Actually, it already has a purpose- I just want to expand it. But, I'm no writer. The fact that I'm not even formally educated in writing makes me feel unworthy of the goals I've set.

Thank God, I have the ability to pause and catch myself when I get those thoughts.

When I get these thoughts, I just sit back and remember that I'm doing it honestly. I'm going to be sharing stuff that could have kept me locked in feelings of shame, resentment, fear, and guilt. I'm going to show the ugly stuff- the kind of stuff that people really need to hear when I talk about divorce "being hard" or "losing everything" or "hopelessness." I'm sharing something that matters, and it's got the potential to make a difference in other people's lives. You know the success stories you're used to (cue Drake lyrics) "Started from the bottom, now we're here." What the hell does that mean? Did you just have a moment of extreme clarity and realize your purpose? Did you reach enlightenment while eating your ramen, walk outside and embrace those beaming rays, and find the yellow sun powering you up like Superman to finally just make shit happen?

...No. The answer to how they move out of those times is in the day-to-day, average, painful, fearful, tearful, and treacherous days that never seem to end. Because coming out of it looks a lot like being stuck in it.

When I plan out what I want to write, considering how I'll include so many scenes and emotions and somehow make it do what I want it to accomplish, I lose sight of the big picture and start to focus on things that make me feel so inadequate. I'm reminded that I'm no writer, and that this could be a dud. It may not resonate with people like I'd hoped, or help anyone. It may be such a flop, that later in life, I don't even mention that I ever wrote something. Maybe one day I'll wish it all away.

But then I think about the things I could do with it. Could it help someone feel okay with themselves and their mistakes? Could it help them feel like someone was speaking right to them, and telling them their own story? Could I maybe have a real platform that serves as inspiration for someone else? Will it hurt me more to let this goal die?

I've heard the only way to eat an elephant is by taking one bite at a time. Knowing that I want to do this, these days, I'm just resolving to write anything. I can write on here, in a journal, email a friend, or write a shitty rough draft in Word... just so I'm writing. That's one bite, right?

That's all I got. This goal is the kind that requires me to reach other benchmarks (in learning) in order to work toward the bigger picture. And all I have so far is that I'm going to write every day.