What a year, guys. The journey from 31 to 32 will forever be one I cherish and love, the way we recall the ones we've loved and lost in our lives. It's a bittersweet feeling that washes over me as I romanticize the journey of "becoming."This year looks like no other year I've ever lived. Duh- does it look the same for anyone?! We're facing a global pandemic and a human rights movement, along with the normal day-to-day stressors and sufferings that human life has to offer.
But hear me out- I still feel like there's something exquisitely different about this year for me, and it has absolutely nothing to do with current events. Instead, it's about my spiritual journey and how, for the first year in my life, I don't identify with suicidal ideation.
This year is different. It's rife with authentic expression of my uncovered, chosen beliefs. It holds the elevated consciousness that came from my most favorite, deliciously painful rock bottom. It involves feeling my pain, talking about it, and not holding back, as I process and learn to love more parts of myself that I've pushed into the shadows.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want the same for you.
Either way, I figured now is as good a time as ever to talk about the valuable lessons I've learned in my journey to 32:
- Learning how to be resourceful doesn't prevent you from repeating past mistakes. I used to think that knowing which farms would provide free organic produce to single mothers was the answer to becoming resilient. I've since discovered that learning about resources without learning about trauma- or how I got in my position in the first place- won't keep me from repeating past mistakes. You can become a pro at digging yourself out of a hole. The true accomplishment is avoiding the hole altogether.
Stop taking pride in how you dig yourself out of your circumstances. You're doing yourself a disservice. Start asking how you fell in the first place. - There are people in this world who are committed to never understanding you. The best thing you can do, is to keep living your life and stop justifying your decisions, or negotiating who you are as a person.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to practice. Even though I know it to be true, I struggle with it at least once a month.
There are people who cannot take responsibility for their circumstances, and therefore, they make sense of their world by projecting their internal judgement and fear onto others. Sometimes, you'll find that you are the brunt of those projections. If you're like me, it'll drive you insane. You'll defend yourself and all your good intentions, and you'll spend your days explaining yourself to people who consistently show you they don't ever plan to change their minds. Breathe in; breathe out; surrender to the pain of being misunderstood; let them go.
They have no place in your life. - You don't know shit about jack. None of us do. There are so many times that I've felt like I've had a download during my long drives to take my daughters to their dads... and I have literally felt like I know all the secrets of the world. In that moment, maybe I have a clear glimpse into truth. But for the most part, my butt gets handed to me a few days later with some new, unforeseen struggle. There are always new lessons to be learned, and new layers of the onion to be peeled.
Practice humility. Always approach something as if you know nothing and you're here to listen and learn. Otherwise, you stunt your own growth with your know-it-all ways. - People who experience lots of trauma in their childhood aren't usually attracted to healthy.
It's okay.
Much like our taste buds, we can train ourselves to develop a taste for healthy relationships.
Ladies, that means letting someone take you out on a date, when all you really want to do is friend-zone them. He/she's probably the person you can actually build a really wonderful life with. You're just too busy giving way too much credit to chemistry, naively thinking it has to be present from the beginning, and can't be built over time.
Did you know you can build chemistry?
If you had a dad that wasn't present for much of your life, or a parent who struggled with addiction- chances are you have chemistry with the wrong people. No knocks on them... just speaking from experience. Even if I shoot myself in the foot and have a failed marriage, or find myself starting over again in 5 years, I promise promise promise I won't ever prioritize chemistry again. It's wayyyyy too overrated, and can be built over time. - Trauma will one day get all the recognition it deserves. Trauma is at the root of every single struggle we ever face as adults.
We are born unto people who literally are doing the best they can, with what they know at the time. Most of them don't know shit. But they love us, and they try. Boy, do they try.
However, unless your parents awakened to the generational trauma that passed through their lineage, they likely just repeated dynamics with you that felt familiar and comfortable to them. They couldn't help it.
Your job is to stop giving into to the pull to the familiar. Dare to be uncomfortable. Challenge your beliefs and vet each and every one before you choose to impart them on yourself, and your future generation.
We often view trauma as an isolated incident that likely relates to rape, or war. I hate to say that, but unfortunately, people still feel like snowflakes if they mention they never had their feelings validated by their parents while they were growing up, and now they don't know how to express their emotions without feeling like they're "too much." That's trauma, too.
When I realized all the crap I repeated in my life, and how I was subconsciously trying to heal all the pain I'd incurred through my childhood, I finally understood the value of trauma work.
Trauma is what's holding you back from living your life, finding your partner, being the parent you want to be, or having the job/career you really want.
These are just some things that I wanted to share as I turn 32. Take it or leave it- it's my truth, and I'm here to help you if it resonates.
