Each day that passes makes me feel two vastly different things, simultaneously. I feel like I know nothing, but in that same thought, I have discovered the most important truth, which is that in the end absolutely everything is relative.
I no longer know what it takes to build a good marriage. I don't know what the texting rules are for dating. I don't know when things become exclusive in dating, and what happens right after that decision is made. I don't know the best way to teach my daughter to make her decisions- How much mind? How much heart? I don't know how much more intense 2015 will be, but it hasn't tapered back one bit.
All I'm currently abreast of is the fact that I am always asking myself how things are affecting me, what they mean, and how I can apply what I've learned to the future. I also remind myself that I can't be brave in the absence of fear, and to just push my limits of fear and keep trying to live in that state of vulnerability that brings about a wholehearted life.
The thought of it is incredibly simple. The act of it is much, much, much harder. But the reward of owning my life- my decisions, my mistakes and my weaknesses, my naiveté and my open heart- yes, the reward is incredibly fulfilling. It somehow allows me to piece together my seemingly futile purpose in this life. That vulnerability allows me to affirm my own confidence and not rely on outside sources to tell me my worth. It gives me a benchmark from which I can observe my personal growth. I provide my own affirmations that I am strong, loving, caring, beautiful, unique, a good mom, and someone who literally does life with her whole heart, as brave and daring as she can be. And trust me, in a few months, it'll be so clear as to how I am carrying out that intention. My whole life, I really believe, will be a shining example of perseverance. It'll be an example of love, shame, acceptance, fear, courage, and success. I just know it. It's all going to be ok. It's all going to be ok. It's all going to be ok.
