You'll Learn it When You're Ready

Today I had the privilege of seeing exactly why I had to hit another low in my life to finally learn the lessons life's been whispering to me for many, many years. This morning, I checked my Facebook only to see memories full of cute photos of my little ones and embarrassing status updates.

And then this. 4 years ago, I was preparing to have Abigail in a couple months. I had gotten out of my marriage and flew straight into the most backwards situation of my life. I'd casually been seeing someone, yet I held a flame for him that burned so bright, even I didn't understand it. 

About four and a half months after we first met, I found out I was having his baby. I was still living in a house that I knew I was losing. I was in therapy for postpartum depression, about to drop out of my college classes because I felt like I'd been slapped over the head with this unforgivable circumstance. I can only equate that time to feeling like I was in a tornado- watching everything that I'd built for the previous seven years just deteriorate. 

At that point, I just had to survive it. I had to figure out if I was going to keep my baby and if my house was going to be foreclosed on, or if I could sell it in time. I had to get Medicaid, WIC and find discounted food while I considered all the other choices I was about to make. It just felt like a whirlwind. It still feels like that when I look back. 

But if you look at what I said I'd learned that year- none of it was about myself. Sure, I learned how to survive that year. That was a nice boost to my self-esteem at that time. But I was laying fragile groundwork for my new "it's complicated" relationship, and I was going full speed into this new phase in life- having learned very little about what landed me there in the first place. 

Fast-forward to today, I realize I was pretty darn resourceful during that time in my life. I was a survivor- in my eyes- which was a pretty great lesson in and of itself. But I didn't get the full message. It's kind of like the old saying, "Feed a man fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him..." you know the rest. All the resources in the world won't teach me how I got myself into the position of needing them. I may know how to survive, but what's the point if I'm the one digging the damn hole that I'm having to climb out of?!

When I went out on my own this time, I felt more heartbroken and more lost than I ever had. It felt like I had pain deep in my bones when I left. I had no real sense of who I was, if I was going to be okay, and if this life was going to be worth living after losing the life that I knew. But I was adamant that during that first month or so alone, I wasn't going to go out and try to distract myself. I wasn't going to stay in and drink. When I felt pain, I'd sit still and let it hurt. I knew it was going to be different this time. It had to be. I couldn't bear to think I'd do this again. This was the last time I'd ever feel that kind of heartbreak, and I meant it. 

When I'd find myself alone without my girls, I'd go to family members' houses and feel the pain in a safe space. Spaces where I knew I wouldn't make regrettable decisions- where people could hold space for me to feel and not try to fix it. I needed to be where people made me feel safe, because I truly just wanted to crawl out of my own skin. 

I'm so incredibly thankful I'm learning my lesson this time. Little Brittany was running the show all these years past. Grown-up Brittany sees what's happening and chooses better for herself. She knows that the wounding she had causes that little child inside of her to chase after love, validation, and approval. She also knows how to step in and say, "nah girl, that doesn't work. We're not gonna do that anymore." 

Now, I have a more comprehensive understanding of those relationship endings. Life wasn't JUST trying to teach me that I'm a survivor. Life was trying to show me that I was letting Little Brittany run the show with all of her wounds and traumas and triggers. I was letting her chase what she will always be chasing, and I wasn't stepping in to give her what I now know I need to give her. 

The real lesson here was how to parent my inner child. To see where she's hurting, and to lovingly let her know that I'll be making the adult decisions from now on. The real lesson is that we repeat what we don't repair. I love how incredibly apparent it is to me, that I've become a conscious observer of my own life. 

Ego Conditioning and Our Souls

I choose to hold the idea that we are souls having a human experience. As I've written before, I think we muddy our souls' purpose in the muck of our human experience, and it's our job to clear the waters and get to what our souls are really here to do.

In order to do that, our first step is to recognize this truth (no matter what your religion or ideology), and begin differentiating your ideas of what the "self" really is.

In all our experiences, many of us feel there's a deeper meaning behind what it is to be human, and what we're supposed to be doing with this life we've had the privilege of living.

We're born unto wounded children, who were born unto other wounded children. As we awaken, we see our experiences from this perspective, and we recognize that we don't have to continue our journeys with the same programming that we've known all of our lives. There's a way to undo that programming so our souls can be given the chance to fully express themselves before we leave this earth. And trust me, nothing but GOOD things happen when our consciousness expands- allowing our souls to have full expression. Only love lives there.

But if we don't take on the responsibility of reparenting ourselves, loving the parts of us that we've learned to shove away in a corner somewhere because our parents (uh, em, wounded children of other wounded children) raise us with programming that they didn't have full awareness of, we can't harmonize with our soul's true purpose.

Our ego is our sense of self. When someone says, "Who are you?" and you respond with your name, what you do for a living, and your background- that's all ego. It's how you differentiate from the people and world around you. Our egos not only give us a sense of self, they help us facilitate the work our souls want to perform here on earth.

But our egos are faulty. They glitch pretty often. They have conditioning that must come undone. The conditioning we experience does more than just give us a sense of self, it separates us TOO much from the world around us. Incites reaction to stimuli that feel threatening. Sometimes those threats simply come through the way someone looks at us. Sometimes those threats are from memories past, that don't deserve a seat at our table as we explore what we want to do with our lives.

Once we recognize that we have layers of ourselves to peel back, to love, to heal- that's when we really hear our souls speak to us. Every familiar sadness, every fear, is an invitation to love parts of our humanness that need healing. When we heal, we free our souls from our wounded egos and we expand, and we get back to what really matters. And we often realize that all that ever mattered, was love.