Today, I took some time and cleared out some things from storage. It's been a long time coming. My mom and I shared a storage unit for nearly four years, from the time I moved out of my house, which was shortly after she had moved to an apartment nearby. I'd downsized to a bedroom in her apartment with Ali, while pregnant with Abby, and stored what was left of the four-bedroom house I left behind after a year-long divorce process. When Mom told me she'd be cancelling the storage unit at the end of March, I knew it was time to go through things I didn't even remember I had, and donate whatever I clearly didn't need.
But I knew there'd be quite a bit in that unit that wasn't exactly disposable- mementos from my childhood that I just didn't have a place for, and other items I may very well use now. It just came down to going through it all.
I elected to do that by myself today. I didn't want to be rushed when going through each box, making sure the ones with books also had my old diaries I'd planned to give to Ali one day (they had some lovely notes written about her father that I wanted her to have for when she's older).
But today I also came across old photos of myself from elementary school- among other things- but the photos are what I got stuck on. I saw this one in particular of myself standing in front of a church door, with a bright blue turtleneck, blue jean skirt, and bright blue tights to match. I'm not sure what I was there for- maybe a Brownies meeting or something- but I saw that bright smile of mine and I was reminded of my life's journey back to her. I'll post the picture on here soon. I'll have to edit the post when I get it.
But the point I wanted to make comes from this feeling that I had when I stared at that picture. I believe that the purpose of life can be summed up in one concept: Life is simply the journey we take to get back to ourselves. Who we really are. Who we were meant to be.
Another way to describe it is by framing all of my fears and insecurities in the metaphor of me housing this little girl inside of me (I like to think of the one in the photo). She doesn't know who's going to stay, who will leave, or if anything's ever going to work out. She doesn't have a clue if she's gonna be okay. But it's my job to be her protector. It's my job to reassure her when she's scared, and to comfort her when she's hurt. It's my job to look at that little girl and say, "I've got you."
I'm a grown woman now. My mama can't do it for me. My partner can't do it for me. My kids certainly can't do it for me. I've got to take care of that little girl, because that little girl inside of me is still ME.
I'm sure you might have come across this idea that when we're born, we're the purest form of ourselves in that moment. We aren't living with worry, doubt, hatred, judgment, or even an ego. We don't have any of that. We're completely present and receptive to this world and all it has to offer.
And then by the time we're about six years old, we've already had our framework of worthiness and love laid out for us by our families of origin. They've taught us through their relationships with us what's acceptable about us, what's unacceptable about us, what they like about us, and what they don't like about us. They've instilled their expectations, gender roles, and it's highly likely they've instilled some other things inadvertently and subconsciously. We watched them in their relationships, and learned what love looked like (albeit, most of it was probably unhealthy, but to us, it was our only definition). We learned about how we should relate to our bodies and what burdens we're going to shoulder one day when we're their age. I had learned all of that by the time I smiled for that picture.
And then I got older and started to make my own choices with that deeply rooted belief system. I made choices from the subconscious beliefs I learned about money, relationships, self-worth, and body image, because I inherited them without questioning them. We often don't know to question them until we start working on ourselves when things don't feel right and we want to know how we seem to be getting it so wrong. And therein lies the point of this whole life thingy- at least I think so.
I believe we were given the chance to live because we have something to contribute to the world before we leave it. I also believe that if we remained as connected to our soul as the day we were born, we'd accomplish it rather quickly.
But the thing is, we're human.
I think we muddy the waters for the lives we bring into this world when we don't challenge our beliefs and understand how we'd like to contribute to the world before making babies of our own. Odds are our parents didn't figure that out before we were born. So our journeys are cloudy because we develop from this pure, unencumbered spirit, into a human with deep-seated beliefs that steer us away from who we really are. And we spend a lot of our time on Earth wondering why the hell we're here and what the heck we're supposed to be doing.
Why the heck can't we find emotionally available men- why do we like the bad ones? Or why do we feel so insecure about our noses, or our love handles? Why do we fear losing the love and approval of others? All of those things are just big whopping signs that we haven't done the work to come back to ourselves.
The thing is, if we can pull from the most authentic parts of ourselves, we can do the great things we are meant to do with the time we have here on earth. That's the whole point of life. You come in, it gets foggy, and you work to clear the fog so you can get back to that thing you're meant to do before you die.
And finally, I believe part of coming back to ourselves is through recognizing our younger selves as the embodiment of those tricky belief systems. When I'm triggered or particularly anxious, I find it most helpful to take the perspective that I'm housing this little girl inside who still doesn't know how to make sense of her feelings.
She doesn't know why she feels so scared of being abandoned. She doesn't understand it's because her dad always left her without giving her a clue as to when he'd reappear. She doesn't understand why she's drawn to emotionally unavailable men. She doesn't know that she's scared of never making any money because she spent the late night hours of her childhood listening to her parents fight about bills. She just knows that she feels these things. And my journey back to myself is to see that little girl and say, "It's okay. I've done the work. I know why you feel this way. Don't worry, though... I'll take care of you. I know how to do it now."
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
I Became a Freelance Writer... Here's What it Taught Me
I've waited a while to kickstart this blog again, and for good reason.
I've been ridiculously "busy" and I've found a million reasons to think I'm not a good enough writer to bring any value worth reading or listening to. Essentially, I've spent a couple years exploring myself, bringing upon doubt, depression, and the disorientation that comes from being a mother who tries to parent and work (while finding her elusive passion) at the same time. It's not easy stuff, guys. I don't suggest having kids before discovering some of the things that ignite the passions that give you a clear vision of what you'd like to do with your life. Just sayin'.
In the past couple years, I've gone from wellness coach, to stay at home mom, to workaholic- completing every freelance position I could handle just to make a few bucks and reclaim my independence. It hasn't been easy- it's actually been downright exhausting, and I'm here to tell you all about what I've learned in that time frame.
So here's to a new beginning. A beginning rife with lessons learned from the many roles I've assumed in different careers, jobs, and networking roles alike. I've managed co-working spaces. I've worked for a lobbyist, a lawyer, and a newspaper. I've worked in cybersecurity, supported my partner in a manufacturing business, and I've made my own jewelry. I've also served on a board of organizers for a non-profit about which I still remain passionate, even though I've recently had to pull back. I've had the chance to meet some wonderful people and dream big on their behalf, but something has always been a little off in my approach. I've always wondered what the hell I actually want to do in my life, and how I can make an impact doing it.
Of one thing I'm certain: if you ask me what I want to do for the rest of my life, I'd say, "I want to be able to sit down with people who have dreams, goals, and visions (particularly with regard to startup businesses), and I want to ask them all the questions that come to my mind."
Yeah, I've thought what you're thinking, too. How in the world can I monetize this passion, and what in the heck does a career of asking questions actually look like?
A year ago, I'd tell you that you that I'm trying on a bunch of jobs and seeing what sticks. But after playing around and loving the process, I began to face the reality that I wasn't making enough of an income to support childcare costs for my girls, or even to offset the time that Jesse would be missing work while I went off and met new people and formed new relationships.
What a hard fricken pill to swallow. You don't make enough money to keep doing this. You can't live on compliments. You can't just spend all day at that place and work for trade. It doesn't pay our bills. These are all things I had to come to grips with to understand that I had a little bit of a warped view of what my passion would look like. I couldn't continue to do the same things if I couldn't monetize them. Maybe if Jesse were the sole breadwinner and we had the flexibility of income and time, I could network and continue to volunteer my time in a work-for-trade space, but for now, it's not what works for us. It's impractical and unsustainable.
Now, before you get all chase-your-passions-and-you'll-make-it-work on me, I know that there's a degree of deep-seeded beliefs that could possibly change the outcome, but with two young daughters, my particular approach wasn't working, and stepping back to understand how to move forward in a more thoughtful way was absolutely necessary.
So here's what I'm doing with what I'm learning so far: I'm now a freelance writer.
I'll tell you in another post how I became a freelancer, but for now, I'll explain how it suits my passions.
I'm an avid reader and a lifetime student. When I was in college, I found it painful to choose one major and stick to it. Could be the novelty-seeker in me, but I happen to love a LOT of subjects, and I hated the idea that I'd have to pick one area to study and limit myself to for a majority of my career.
Enter: freelance writing. My job is to Google the shit out of topics until I can feel comfortable enough to write about them. I have to know the subject intimately in order to form an article that's cohesive and informative, which quenches my thirst for the kind of knowledge that would (at the very least) make me a decent contestant on Jeopardy!
My writing skills have improved over various editing requests from clients, and I feel like I'm finally in the groove of providing content that people enjoy reading. But I'm also doing something that brings in an income while I'm still home with my 3 year old, cracking raw eggs on the floor as I lose myself in research. And I can finally say I'm happy with what I'm doing. Wholeheartedly, I embrace the challenges of each client's needs and desires for their online content, because I know I'm privileged to learn skills that build my own businesses while providing value to theirs.
In the end, I wouldn't trade the "trying on" of jobs that I've done, because they all taught me something new. But I wish I'd have noticed earlier, that I've been obsessed with the teaching all along. I think I've finally found the thing that I can do- and no matter how much I suck at some of the topics I write about, I find that I believe in myself more than ever with the power of Almighty Google. I don't believe I'll be transitioning from this role any time soon.
I've been ridiculously "busy" and I've found a million reasons to think I'm not a good enough writer to bring any value worth reading or listening to. Essentially, I've spent a couple years exploring myself, bringing upon doubt, depression, and the disorientation that comes from being a mother who tries to parent and work (while finding her elusive passion) at the same time. It's not easy stuff, guys. I don't suggest having kids before discovering some of the things that ignite the passions that give you a clear vision of what you'd like to do with your life. Just sayin'.
In the past couple years, I've gone from wellness coach, to stay at home mom, to workaholic- completing every freelance position I could handle just to make a few bucks and reclaim my independence. It hasn't been easy- it's actually been downright exhausting, and I'm here to tell you all about what I've learned in that time frame.
So here's to a new beginning. A beginning rife with lessons learned from the many roles I've assumed in different careers, jobs, and networking roles alike. I've managed co-working spaces. I've worked for a lobbyist, a lawyer, and a newspaper. I've worked in cybersecurity, supported my partner in a manufacturing business, and I've made my own jewelry. I've also served on a board of organizers for a non-profit about which I still remain passionate, even though I've recently had to pull back. I've had the chance to meet some wonderful people and dream big on their behalf, but something has always been a little off in my approach. I've always wondered what the hell I actually want to do in my life, and how I can make an impact doing it.
Of one thing I'm certain: if you ask me what I want to do for the rest of my life, I'd say, "I want to be able to sit down with people who have dreams, goals, and visions (particularly with regard to startup businesses), and I want to ask them all the questions that come to my mind."
Yeah, I've thought what you're thinking, too. How in the world can I monetize this passion, and what in the heck does a career of asking questions actually look like?
A year ago, I'd tell you that you that I'm trying on a bunch of jobs and seeing what sticks. But after playing around and loving the process, I began to face the reality that I wasn't making enough of an income to support childcare costs for my girls, or even to offset the time that Jesse would be missing work while I went off and met new people and formed new relationships.
What a hard fricken pill to swallow. You don't make enough money to keep doing this. You can't live on compliments. You can't just spend all day at that place and work for trade. It doesn't pay our bills. These are all things I had to come to grips with to understand that I had a little bit of a warped view of what my passion would look like. I couldn't continue to do the same things if I couldn't monetize them. Maybe if Jesse were the sole breadwinner and we had the flexibility of income and time, I could network and continue to volunteer my time in a work-for-trade space, but for now, it's not what works for us. It's impractical and unsustainable.
Now, before you get all chase-your-passions-and-you'll-make-it-work on me, I know that there's a degree of deep-seeded beliefs that could possibly change the outcome, but with two young daughters, my particular approach wasn't working, and stepping back to understand how to move forward in a more thoughtful way was absolutely necessary.
So here's what I'm doing with what I'm learning so far: I'm now a freelance writer.
I'll tell you in another post how I became a freelancer, but for now, I'll explain how it suits my passions.
I'm an avid reader and a lifetime student. When I was in college, I found it painful to choose one major and stick to it. Could be the novelty-seeker in me, but I happen to love a LOT of subjects, and I hated the idea that I'd have to pick one area to study and limit myself to for a majority of my career.
Enter: freelance writing. My job is to Google the shit out of topics until I can feel comfortable enough to write about them. I have to know the subject intimately in order to form an article that's cohesive and informative, which quenches my thirst for the kind of knowledge that would (at the very least) make me a decent contestant on Jeopardy!
My writing skills have improved over various editing requests from clients, and I feel like I'm finally in the groove of providing content that people enjoy reading. But I'm also doing something that brings in an income while I'm still home with my 3 year old, cracking raw eggs on the floor as I lose myself in research. And I can finally say I'm happy with what I'm doing. Wholeheartedly, I embrace the challenges of each client's needs and desires for their online content, because I know I'm privileged to learn skills that build my own businesses while providing value to theirs.
In the end, I wouldn't trade the "trying on" of jobs that I've done, because they all taught me something new. But I wish I'd have noticed earlier, that I've been obsessed with the teaching all along. I think I've finally found the thing that I can do- and no matter how much I suck at some of the topics I write about, I find that I believe in myself more than ever with the power of Almighty Google. I don't believe I'll be transitioning from this role any time soon.