I'm miserable. But then I'm okay.
I have this serious jealousy of dads, and the role they play as parents as compared to women and their roles. My role. Let's be honest, it's my personal issue.
I find myself encouraged in the morning, with the smell of coffee and the blinds allowing light in through the quiet living room. If I work that day, I'm ecstatic to spend the final hour of the morning with coworkers and the ability to take care of a responsibility that has nothing to do with being a mom.
But at least 70% of my days are brutally fractured with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, anhedonia, and general sadness. I catch moments throughout the day where I come to- I connect with my daughters, and people- and I feel myself, giddy and positive. And almost in an instant, as if someone drew the blackout curtains closed, I'm back to wading and wallowing in self pity. I let myself get carried away with feeling like a punching bag after I've reached a threshold with crying, tantrums, demands, and incessant questions. I let every uttered "Mommy" fly at me, attacking me, rendering me hopeless and desperate for an escape. I think of ways to disengage... how can I just reach silence? And is it possible to achieve that silence and still have energy to do the things that I had been hoping to do? Things like showering, planning meals, folding laundry and setting it in their respective rooms, call my girlfriend, write, read, talk to my man friend? Simple things. Things that don't even require me to leave the house- but do require focus, energy, and a little umph,- which I just don't have right now.
And the weird, beautiful and poetic thing about all of this, is that it connects me to my friends who are in this, too. It connects me to my kids more, because for some reason, the more I reach that point of exhaustion, frustration and escape, I choose to stay. And I'm more lonely at the thought of not seeing them, kissing them goodnight, hugging them and hearing their voices. I'm sure that's a predictable ending to this post, but it's predictable because other women have said it, and it rings true each time we hear it.
