Today, I can't reveal everything. Not that people really want to know all about my personal life anyway. But I'm big on sharing what happens and how I learn and grow from each event in my life. I love sharing that part of my story, because that's the part that connects me to everyone else.
It's been two months (almost) since I've written. So much has happened. Daring Greatly is an understatement in my book. Over a month ago, my husband and I had some major trials. Bigger because of our past and the history we've already come through. He's still my best friend, but he's no longer my partner in life. And I mean he's still my best friend because I love him like my best friend, but it also doesn't mean that getting along and stepping off the emotional roller coaster of separation is actually happening.
I married my best friend. I felt safe, smart, and like I wouldn't repeat my family's history of codependent relationships and failed marriages. But little did I realize until it had already happened, that I was still dancing that same dance. I tried so hard to be different, only to do the same thing... to make the same choice. Choose someone I could fix. And this isn't a slight to him. It's a slight to me. I'm broken. I'm not healed. On some level, I picked my dad with a different face because I haven't resolved my issues with him and the abandonment I grew up with all my life. To this day, my dad will still tell me he's visiting (uh em, last week, even) and then when it comes time for him to come down, he shuts off his phone and goes MIA for a couple of weeks. I try to track him down to see if he's ok, only to find out he was in jail and didn't pay some typical fine that he's always having to pay... speeding, DUI, driving without a license... whatever.
He's not like my dad on the surface. He's kind, caring, considerate, and on the outside, completely different. The only common denominator is the fact that they are both emotionally unavailable.
I have been doing amazingly well in therapy. I love the connections I make at my job- it's seriously my favorite place to work, ever. I love the fitness and routine that's become my life. I love the Sundays I have with my daughter and me. But I don't know how long I'll have this house. I don't know when things will go downhill. I don't know how well I can keep up my grades. I don't know if my desire to be desired will go away anytime soon, either. I'm just trying to keep my head above water and literally learn from everything that's happening, right here, right now.
I finally started back at church. The sermon this week was called "The Search for Happy." It talked about expressions of gratitude being much more powerful than just feeling gratitude. Even though I feel like I express it often, and I look for the silver lining all the time, I just want to evaluate and state what I'm truly thankful for.
1. My amazingly beautiful and vivacious daughter.
2. My health.
3. The cozy place I currently call home, equipped with hot water and a working AC unit.
4. The delicious tomatoes I eat, literally every day.
5. The ability to study for a class that right now, feels like a burden. But I'm in school, still moving forward.
6. My incredibly supportive family, neighbors, and friends.
7. My dogs. Lord their kisses are the best sometimes.
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