Avoidance

I've learned about this thing called avoidance. 

I've learned that it's completely natural to want to avoid all the bad things in life. I mean, just thinking about cleaning my room or doing homework should strike a chord with a lot of people. 

There aren't enough Brené Brown quotes to motivate me to get on board with my fears right now. Everything I do is an attempt to avoid my problems. I've skipped 70% of my classes since school began. I've been spending extra time in the gym, working out, working, trying to play with Ali, trying to clean, getting lost in Target... and so much more. Every time I get to work, the first thing I think about is my to-do list and all I can accomplish when I get home. The first thing I think about when I get home is how many people I can text, call, and message so I can have people to talk to so I don't feel so alone. 

I need to sit down and budget. I need to face the hard truths. I need to cry. I need to feel something. I can only keep this up so long before it's really going to hit me. And I really don't feel like having it hit me. 

I just want to be okay with myself. I want to be okay with living alone. I want to be independent. I want to be a great mom. I want to place more value on my friends and less on the search for a partner in life. I want to just be free, and teach Ali how to love. I want to breathe. I want to not give a shit.