Most of the time I feel really optimistic about life. I feel excited about my possibilities and being alone, and finding out more of who I am even if it's because of a divorce. But the hard days still come.
I find myself asking, Did I give up too easily? Am I a crazy person? Am I being selfish? and much more. What's scarier, is when I run into people and have conversations regarding relationships, I feel like it won't ever get better. I don't have faith that there's anyone out there that can love me. I feel lovable, but I don't know that I will enjoy the process of finding a partner in my life who will complement the person I become and also love my daughter as his own. It's terrifying. It's enough to completely shut down and think I should plan on being alone.
I think this kind of fear may go away with time. Right now, the anxiety is creeping in and I'm a bit overwhelmed by all that I feel I'm failing at, miserably. I'm losing me. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm avoiding life. I'm just... living in my own little world and having fun with Ali. But I have to wake up soon. I have to start living this life like the responsible adult I know I am. Right now, I feel like a kid trying to be an adult. I feel naked, insecure, confused, inadequate, and misguided. It's utterly terrifying.
Yeah... I guess this is what divorce feels like.
No comments :
Post a Comment