You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important.

I've come to really really like myself this past month.

This sounds silly, aloof, unmeasurable... but I really do. I have spent a good portion of my blogging talking about my struggles with liking who I am and believing I'm a good person. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about this exact topic- actually, I specifically said, "I want to get to a place where I know I'm a good person, and I don't have to question it when I feel like someone doesn't understand me." I don't want to feel like I'm constantly trying to paint over an ugly picture. I just need to feel like the picture isn't ugly in the first place.

Well ladies (and maybe the occasional gentleman who could read this), I'm like, 95% there! After talking about a lot of things that I have held onto with my past, the things that I've grown to believe about myself and my relationships, and the things I've become really sensitive to, I've come to understand myself so well. It took 26 years to get to a place where I feel like I'm unapologetically Brittany and nothing more.

So what have I come to accept? I'll just go ahead and share, because you guys deserve to see a real side of me for the sake of understanding just how helpful therapy can be.

I have always tried to do well, achieve many awards, good grades, and compliments because that made me feel good- helping me cope with my depression as a young teenager and adult.

I made it through some of the worst times in my life simply because I rooted myself in church, volunteering, and reading about self-improvement.

I have substituted other men in my life as my father figures because of my father's absence and inability to provide me with the love, structure, commitment, and the compass that I needed from my parents. Those men were my grandfather, my uncle, my Senior Marine Instructor in high school, my boss in California, my boss in Serenbe, and my step-dad (although currently, I don't feel I'm at an age where I need this anymore).Without that attachment and fondness I had for them, I don't think I'd understand what a father really is. As I strove to meet their expectations and impress them as I would my own dad, I made it through to leadership positions in both school and work. It got me much further than the next kid who may have grown up with my same history.

I'm totally an introvert and would much rather spend time with one person than a group. I enjoy all connections I make with others, but I really enjoy the individual connections. I feel like my ability to connect is indirectly related to how many people I am currently around- I've learned that this is something that doesn't hinder me. I just prefer it differently.

I have a pretty healthy attachment to my daughter. I love her so much and I still feel intoxicated with the best feelings when I go into her room in the morning, pick her up out of her bed, and hold her close and smell her hair. I live for that. However, I am also happy to detach and still know myself as "Brittany, who has a daughter named Anneliese" versus "Anneliese's Mom." Sometimes I feel guilty when I see the selflessness of other mothers who really love and adore their children and do become fully engulfed by motherhood. I think if it suits them, it's nothing for me to consider or judge. I have gotten to a place where I can't feel guilty about it. I have quality time with my daughter and I think it's because I also have quality time with myself, my husband, and other friends. She is the light of my life, but I also really enjoy my dates with my husband!

People tend to think I'm a lot smarter than I really am. I'm an intelligent gal- don't get me wrong. I feel like my genuine interests are a little nerdy and involve reading and applying myself. But I also really believe I just have a desire to meet expectations of myself, and that's led me to create relatively healthy habits in my life. Those healthy habits have led me to carry myself like I'm older and intelligent. However, chances are I won't ever graduate at the top of the class.

I'm really a thoughtful person in my head, but I often fail to follow through with my gift-giving ideas and my thank you notes and my phone calls. It's part of my introverted style, I think. I can email, blog, text, and give you some pretty great advice. But if I have to mail something to you, I will mail it way behind schedule. It's one thing about myself I'm not quite ready to accept. I'd like people to see what I really feel for them on the inside. If you get a thank you note from last year, just know that's why!

I could write so much more, but I'll leave it at that for now.

I don't know how long it'd take for me to really understand myself if I didn't have the help of therapy to first combat my depression, but to also tackle all of the things I still had buried in me. Each session makes me lighter and lighter. I really like this girl I've come to know better!