What people think

I've fallen prey to what people think of me all too often. I have been called "big nose" in school, I have been picked at for my scoliosis and my rough, dry skin. I am not athletic, even though I enjoy being active. I've been told I have horse teeth. I had braces for five years, only to have my teeth go crooked once more when my wisdom teeth arrived. But you know, the physical stuff isn't as big a deal to me as the emotional stuff. You know what I mean- when people think I'm snooty, stuck up, rude, inconsiderate, unintelligent, passive aggressive, don't have a backbone- I could go on and on. What's worse are those trite sayings like the one to the right with which I just don't agree:

Basically, I'm trying to bring up the fact that it's tough to be judged on the kind of person that I am, because that's ultimately the only thing I can control. Sure, I could get braces again, get a nose job, and try to improve my posture... but on some level, this is just what I've been handed. The part of my life that is in control is how I treat people and what I learn from my experiences. How can I teach my daughter to be an amazing woman? To be kind, thoughtful, caring, loving, and courageous? What about her confidence? Her self-worth? The only way I know to do this is to improve my behaviors and the words I choose.

I've always had such a tough time forgiving myself for mistakes. When I was in kindergarten, I refused to spell words I knew I couldn't spell. Didn't even want to try them, knowing I'd be wrong. How did I learn to be that way? Was it instinct or built in? Was it ingrained in me from an influential person in my life? It still happens today, except in the form of disappointment with myself and not matching up to this person I'd like to be.

I've thought about this a lot, and I plan to ask it in therapy. Have you ever just had an encounter with someone and found that they are really rude? Inconsiderate? Snooty? Condescending?

If so, when someone thinks that about you, aren't you reminded of the times you've met people like this and genuinely thought the same? So how can you be so sure of who you are and what you do, to brush it off, when you could have very well misrepresented yourself and come off the wrong way- or a way you didn't intend? That's what I grapple with every single day. I don't have answers. The only thing I do know, is there's a little bit of hope in the kind of person I am that I think about these things passionately and I want to be present in them. Otherwise, I can't help but think, "what if I am?"